I Finally Figure IT Out

I always have this feeling of motion. Like I need to keep moving forward to some destination. I was never sure what the destination was but I figured I would know it when I got there. It would hit me like a thunderbolt or something.

I was always searching to fill a gap or a hole or an emptiness. The right job, the right sport, the right goal, the right religion (yep, even tried that one when I was in my twenties). I just kept moving, running really towards something. Ever in pursuit of my dreams. I'm one of those people that have to have goals, that must keep driving.

In my pursuit of excellence in agility, I realized something. It didn't hit me like a thunderbolt. It was a slow awakening. A little nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that kept telling me that agility wasn't IT.

Why not? There is much work to be done if I want to reach some pinnacle at the top of the sport. You need passion to achieve that level of success. I no longer have the passion. I tried to keep pressing on, I tried to care enough to pay attention to the little subtle things in my training and my handling that needed to be addressed. I tried to set goals that would keep me moving forward. But it just didn't feel right.

I noticed this feeling this Fall. Even before we left for AZ, I had this thing in my head telling me not to go, to stay home. Some might think it was a fear of failure but I am so certain that wasn't it. I can say this with absolute certainty because I didn't even want to do the second day of any 2-day shows in September and October. I wanted to do one day, achieve some sort of success and then go home to be with Greg and Devin. When I was at agility, I wanted to be at Devin's football games. When I was at football, I didn't even think about agility. I felt NO guilt over not showing.

I was upset at how I performed in AZ. But I was more upset being out there and not being at home to see his last game. After I hopped on Val's mountain bike, the realization hit me....I enjoyed riding that bike more than I did showing Gusto. I just wanted to hop on her bike and ride away from the site - to just ride. I stopped riding and running to save my knee for the BIG event. I can't begin to tell you how cranky that made me.

I'm an athlete. Plain and simple. And as long as I am doing athletic things, using my body and pushing it beyond it's current capabilities, then I will be achieving personal success. Because the truth is, in my pursuit for some fantastic high level goals in agility, I realized my pursuit of excellence has nothing to do with agility.

I take more pleasure at watching Devin achieve his goals than I do in my own. I look forward to watching Greg coach basketball this Winter and I look forward to helping Devin try Lacrosse and I look forward to assisting Devin in getting better at football. I love helping him with his schoolwork. I want to see him succeed in academics so that he can pursue any dreams he may have.

I still have some personal goals but they have nothing to do with agility. I'll be keeping them to myself, after all, they are personal :)